The car alarm breaks the deafening silence in the stuffy room. It’s dark. Quiet. I am lying on the sofa in my boyfriend’s apartment, writing. Listening. Listening to the piercing sound of a car alarm in the distance and the heavy breathing coming from the other room. Darkness. All around me. And inside me. There is darkness everywhere. I feel as if I am covered in a soft blanket of grief. Grief for dreams that die. Invisibility. Here I am. Doing so much and nothing at the same time…
Have you ever felt like all of your effort just goes completely unnoticed? Probably like this article. It’s irrelevant. I am irrelevant. Just writing this makes me be so. It is so fashionable nowadays to talk positively. To say how grateful we are. To do things with a cause. To be healthy. Happy. And I try so hard to fit in and be this amazing goal oriented, happy, positive person, who is grateful for all the beauty and opportunities in their life and does daily yoga and meditation. And I am. Most of the time. But I feel the pressure of it. The expectation. The fear of daring not be grateful for every single thing. It’s crushing me. I think about it a lot. All the time.
I know it’s just a moment. A moment in time. And then I remember again. I remember about what I have given up and what I have sacrificed for being an artist. And I think… It just isn’t worth it. It really isn’t. It would have… if my art was meaningful. But with each day I realise that it is not.
All it is, is a way to survive the everyday madness I have to endure.
It’s late. It’s dark. The car alarm has now gone off. Tomorrow morning is a new day. I will wake up with a smile on my face. My boyfriend will bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up. Kiss on the cheek. I will smile and enjoy the taste and smell of freshly prepared mouthwatering cup of coffee and will indulge into another session of writing.
But not about depression.
I will write another fairy tale for my book. Or another positive biographical story about strong people who accomplish remarkable achievements and make a difference for all of us. I will get motivated and will write about inspiration, gratitude and love. But until then I will have to embrace the darkness. The loneliness. I will greet my best friend and accept that it is part of life… It is part of me.
Facing the darkness.
Waiting for the first ray of light to pierce through, carrying the meaning of it all.
It’s always darkest before the dawn.
It’s pitch black now.